ADS - After Drinking Syndrom(s)

Everbody, whose last glass of the night was kind of rotten, knows what I´m talking about: ADS, the After Drinking Syndrom(s). Headache, stomach issues and a messy brain are standard.

My latest ADS after the tnr christmas party last wednesday:

During the night I got a cramp in the calf. It hurts, but it's not that hard. Some stretching and rubbing the calf solve the problem usually. But if both arms felt asleep, it's quite difficult to get rid of the cramp. I felt a litte bit scared and a little bit like a turtle turned upside down. (signs of paralysis syndrom)

Few hours later I woke up because of my broken louvered blinds. Some sunbeams got through the holes and punched me in my face. "Who the fuck is shooting at me with a laser? Am I Darth Vader and is this the return of the jedi?" (messy brain)

The view in the mirror showed me that the Armageddon came one day too soon. Red and glassy eyes were the nice part. (the zombie syndrom -lasts mostly twelve hours-)

preparation tips to handle stomach issues:

Firstly get some fluffy toilet paper. The beer dump is never unexpected, he'll come and he'll hit you. Some air refreshener is recommended as well.
Secondly get a bucket with some water next to your bed. I call it "puking to go". Explanation shouldn't be necessary.
Thirdly be assure that you don't bring food after your drinking excess to your place. Most of the people are getting hungry while they are drinking and a visit at McDonalds at 4,5 or 6 o' clock is some kind of a ritual. But eat there and don't take any burgers home:

Some other ADS and their treatment options:

Blackout - check your cell phone: calls, pics, videos and sms can be helpful

Body odor and bad breath - take a shower and brush your teeth!!!!!

Blondie - sometimes it helps to give her 2,5€ for the bus

Brunette - She: "Hey, today it's World Kissing Day, :*!" You: "I'll give you a call when it's World Blow Job Day." Well, protect your face and the syndrom is gone.

Redhead - try to avoid the alcohol on the party before to think clearly

Big weird tattoo on the girl's back - change the position or run as fast as you can to the toilet if you get dizzy


1,5m tall great dane wakes you up - ask yourself why you haven't recognized the dog before and then wake the mistress to bring the dog some food. But do everything very slowly.

Ripped penile frenulum - ask her why she's getting her period. She'll leave on her own. Afterwards visit a doctor and clean up the massacre

Headache - drink a beer (hair of the dog) and listen to my favourite hangover song:

 
Along these lines, Merry Christmas and Cheers!!

Back to the Boobs

There was a time. A time without worries, a time without complications and a time without thinking. A time focussed on drinking, party and boobs. Just a couple of friends and the world belonged to us. Well, it sounds a little bit like sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll. Hell yeah, it was sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll.
But then things became different. Marriages, children and girlfriends jumped in our lifes. Time went by, girlfriends came and went, some meaningless, curios and funny sex affairs and then it finally happened: Divorce and break-ups at the same time. FREEDOM!! REUNION!! Time to revive old times.

Motto: Back to the Boobs!

Location: Ratskeller Recklinghausen. What a paradise, what a beautiful place. Honestly, 70 percent women.

Let the hunt begin. Pretty soon it appeared that we were the prey. Yes, we still have it! And we still haven't lost our charm. "Why don't you guys wear shirts with assholes of the day?" Exactly this girl went on a date with one of us some days later.

If you are surrounded by girls, hater ain't far away. 1,95m pure Mcfit on coke. Lovely guy. We tried to calm down the situation. I don't even know why it became a situtaion, because we are not violent or anything like this. But he didn't want to listen.

My friend: "Come on let's make some party and everything will be fine. Look we are six und you are two."
Mcfit: "Bla bla bla, I was in prison for three years bla bla bla."
My friend: "Who?"
Mcfit: "Me."
My friend: "Who wanna know?!"
Patsch! Mr. Mcfit punched my friend.

...Two seconds later...

The Mcfit guy flew from one side of the dancefloor to the other side. Bouncers came and brought us out. Mr. Mcfit wasn't really smart, he tried to attack us again and flew again. This time a litte bit harder than before.

Well, it's good to know the bouncers, so we were allowed to go back into the club.
After hours of drinking and dancing, what happens? You get hungry!
If there isn't a McDonalds it's pretty hard to get some food at five in the morning. But some smart guy runs a pizza place right next to the club and it was opened.
This pizza is the best pizza in the world...when you are drunked. Sorry, but if I would have been sober, the pizza would have flown like the Mcfit guy.
Anyway, we were sitting in the pizzeria with some other drunken guests and waited for the pizza. Tense atmosphere. Drunked and hungry - bad combination.
"Your mother can pick you up"
"Don't say something about my mother"

Mother here, mother there and so on.

Pizza guy: "What did you order?"
My friend: "Pizza Tonno, family size." He just ordered normal size, of course.
Pizza guy: "Seriously, what did you order?
My friend: "Pizza Tonno, family size, i swear."
Pizza guy yelled: "What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you fucking with me? You get barred and you can forget your pizza! I'm asking you the last time: What did you order?"
My friend: "Spaghetti platter!"

Well, I'm pretty sure that the pizzy guy spit on the pizza.

Older? Yes! More mature? No way!
It was a really nice evening with a nice flashback in the past. It seemed like nothing has changed.

Moral of the story: Forget the boobs and keep your roots.

Hello??? Forget the boobs?? Never!!

Final Chapter

As I promised you last time, here are some pics:

                                           My private resort with private beach

                                           My room - not really tidy

                                           My pet - addicted to alcohol

                                           My jacuzzi

                                           My pool   

                                           My partybus

                                           My fridge

                                           My dining room

                                           My garbage

                                           My basement party room

                                           My sunset

                                                     This is Thailand


These were some impressions of my past. At least the uncensored parts, but maybe I'm gonna tell you something about "my dark passenger" another time. Next time I'll let you know what's going on when some old friends, who haven't gone out together for a while, decide to celebrate a reunion.

                                         



                   

Part Two

Hey guys,

I'm right back from an amazing Thanksgiving Meal.

Turkey, corn bread, red cabbage and dumplings.
My first time eating turkey was in Thailand at Christmas and so I get the spin to my part two of my awesome trip to paradise beach.

Well, back to Thailand's V+Paradise Beach. Not every room had a jacuzzi on the balcony, but I got one. Guys, enjoying a drink in the jacuzzi is great, and with a jacuzzi a lot of girls want you. But this is another story.
My apartement would have been perfect even without the jacuzzi. When I saw the living place, I really saw how amazing life can be if you are rich. The coolest things were the welcome gifts. A cellphone with 10€ credit, a really big orange beach towel and three condoms. When I saw the condoms I got a little bit confused. "Three condoms? I thought we would spend a week in Thailand and not just three hours."
Anyway, it was party time! It's magnificent to make a party at a pool area and in the pool. Every ten meter stood big fridges full with alcohol where you could serve yourself.

Watch the video and you'll see how perfect it was. If you look closely you can see me dancing.
Have fun!

Next time I'll show you some pics.

Part One

Hey guys,

I' ve really won this shit. 300 people in a private resort in Thailand. Free beer, party, party and special guests. Klaas Heufer-Umlauf, Liza Li and Patrick Nuo.

One plane started from Berlin and the other one from Frankfurt. First day started with a get together party at 7 o'clock in the morning. The party people from Berlin were brought to an island in the sea and the "Frankfurter" on another. Both islands were equipped with a big breakfast buffet and huge iceboxes full of beer and V+ mixed drinks. The really nice thing was that both island fused to one island during the ebb. But see yourself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2evPWacvq0&list=UUFNL7U1Um3I2GzBgaFQluRQ&index=12&feature=plcp

Preview

Imagine you win a week with 300 cool guys at the V+ Paradise Beach.

Imagination became reality!!

Within the next days you'll get some impressions of an amazing summer.

Stay tuned!

God is a DJ

Do you know the feeling? This inner thirst? Like a vampire who`s long for blood. Usually I get this thirst Friday at 16 o’clock. But sometimes you sit together with a friend and ask yourself: How the fuck can we stench our thirst? We sat in a Bowling Hall, drank a beer (thanks to Aki, who brought free beer) and looked at each other. If he is a good friend of yours, then you do not need any words. It’s just the look and you know each other thoughts. “We need to go out tonight.” Thirst: Check! Money: Check! Place to sleep: One call! Check! (thanks to Princess Löllifee) Yeah, even at my age you can be spontaneous. One hour later we arrived in Münster. It’s Wednesday and the beginning of the new semester. Münster was crowded with a lot of people and everybody was in a good mood. Perfect condition. We went to our party-place and we were a little bit confused when we saw a big cross at the wall. 

“I knew it, God is a DJ!” We drank Veltins beer, tapped. Danced, switched the light on on the dance area and my friend felt in love (same procedure as every party night)

I need to revise my former statement. With Veltins beer you will never have the perfect condition for a good party.

5 hours later…

My friend came (after his love wasn’t big enough anymore or the girl kicked him) back to our sleeping place and slept on the couch (1.10 m) in the kitchen. And then we woke up. Holy shit!!! Headache of dread, dizzy belly and a drugged brain.

Veltins, one of the worst beers in world. And I tasted a lot of beers. At the moment I’m drinking Lasko.

What kind of people do you need to be to name your football stadium after this gnat’s piss? Never mind and hail Stauder. 

Next time I’ll tell you why I have to love Veltins actually.

 Beware of snakes - fuck sharks!!

At first I need to tell you that I’m drunked right now. Special offer today: Jim Beam Cola.

Special thanks in advance to the spellchecker!

What are you afraid of? Well, a lot of people are afraid of spiders, rats, sharks or snakes. But what would you prefer if you have to choose which fear do you have to fight with? Pretty easy answer to a friend of mine. He hates snakes and would rather jump from a skyscraper than being in one room with a cobra or an earthworm. 

Ok, let’s start with my new story. As I told you last time, I spent some time in Thailand few years ago. It’s Phi Phi Island again. We lived in a Bungalow which was circa 15 min by feet far from the party places. But it was not a regular way, it was a beaten path which led right through the jungle. Actually I’m pretty lazy and there weren’t any streets. Either you’ve walked or took the taxi boat. It’s kind of cool to go to a party by boat. Well, boat is a little bit overstated, it was a wooded nutshell. The next five hours are quite fast to tell. Drinking, dancing, kissing, drinking, drinking. When I told my friend that I go home, he was still in the party mode and stayed at the party. I walked home with a group of people and went to bed. Around seven o’clock in the morning it knocked at my door. I opened the door and I saw my friend completely wet and he looked like a breaded schnitzel with sand. “Who is him? The Man from Atlantis?"

Two hours earlier…

My friend went to the taxi boats and asked for a ride back to our bungalow, but the driver didn’t want to negotiate, so my friend laid on the boat and felt asleep. When he woke up the sun was shining, the taxi driver was gone and his watch was gone.

What would you do now?

A normal person would take the beaten path, but not my friend. His fear of snakes forced him to find another solution. He took his wallet and his cell phone in his left hand, lifted his arm upon the sky and swam through the gulf of Thailand back home. He paddled with one arm almost one hour to our bungalow, hurt his leg on a spiky stone and lost some blood. “Sharks? Don’t give a fuck! I would have killed this shark with just one clout. But these sneaky snakes? No way!” At least he made it. He has just forgotten to put his ID Card out of his pants. 

Please tell me your story about your “special” way back home after a party. Has anyone of you ever swum from a party??

 DiCaprio's Legacy

Once upon a time in Thailand two guys, studied in Bangkok, went out to discover amazing Thailand. After ten hours with the night-train in a third class compartment and with just one hour of sleep, they arrived in Surathani. They didn´t sleep because they had to fight with cockroaches, mosquitos and the Thai-Railway-System. This route has just one rail and every time a train came from the other direction, their train had to wait in emergency lay-by. When the other train passed by it was such as loud as a jet plane on low level flight. From Surathani the two took the ferry to Kho Phi Phi. One of the most beautiful islands in the world. Beaches white as snow and crystal clear water. It’s the place where Leonardo DiCaprio made the movie “The Beach”. 

In the evening the two men went out for some party. Three bars and the dance floor right at the beach. The perfect location to drink some beer, enjoy your life and lose your mind. Few beers later the owner of the bar wanted to start a drinking contest and asked for some volunteers. The task consisted of drinking a bucket of whiskey with a straw together and three shots (wodka, whiskey, tequila) each as fast as possible. 

First Team: Two boys from Argentina. They drank the bucket and the three shots in 100 seconds.

Second Team: Two english poser. They tried to drink the bucket when one of them started to puke. Few seconds later the other one went crazy and jumped into the sea. Never seen him again. 

Third Team: Two Swedish girls. Yes exactly, blonde, blue eyes and big boobs. (We love Sweden) But they weren’t good drinker. After the girls finished the bucket they quit the competition and left the shots on the table. 

Fourth and last team: Two lovely and handsome boys from Germany. Well, the boys swallowed, no, they inhaled the bucket with sonic speed. The spectators screamed: “Oh my god, oh my god.” I thought a natural disaster is coming. Remember, the Swedish girls left their shots. So the Germans drank six shots each in an extraordinary time. NEW PHI PHI ISLAND RECORD!  39 seconds! How does it sound? Yes, it sounds glorious and I think the record still exists till today. 

First price: One bottle of Tequila!! Olé!

The night ended with the feeling of proud, glory, honor and two Swedish girls. The morning started with the worst headache you can’t even imagine. But it was worth it.

Well, next time I’ll tell you how and why some people swim back home from a party.

Don´t share a Cab

Thank God it`s Friday!! Before you start in your weekend, please read the following. Maybe you can use the advice.

Well, some days ago I got invited to an event called “Oktoberfest” in Bottrop.  It´s not that kind of event I usually go when I make party. I don’t like the music, and I didn´t like the singer (Michael Wendler) who performed that night.  But I like beer in one liter glasses. Anyway, I got a V.I.P. invitation: free entrance, free drinks and free food. Honestly, you can`t sprout such an offer even if Cro, DJ Bobo or anyone else of these wannabe singers would have been on the stage. The food was ok, the beer was great and the little shot with 90 percent pure alcohol was great as well.

 But there is always the point you need to go home. After six hours of drinking I reached this point and I decided to go. I trundled out of the marquee like Felix Baumgartner did during his record jump. I took a look around and couldn´t find a cab. While I was calling for a cab two girls came by and they recognized that I live next to their place. Actually they were mother and daughter and everyone who´s thinking: “Yeah, mother and daughter, it´s gonna be a great after party!” Trust me, even after six days of drinking you wouldn´t have had this thought if you have seen them. Well, I said to myself: “The night was cheap (except of the 20 Jägermeister I bought for my party-parish), let`s share the cab to keep the rest of my money in my wallet.”(Destination: 8km)

  

While we were sitting in the cab, the mother tried to invite me to their place for one last beer, the daughter was really fucking wasted, but she wanted to make party further. Respect to that, but I denied. The daughter, let´s call her Amy, wanted to go to another place which was on our route home. Her cousin was there, allegedly!” No big deal. Let´s drop her out.” Afterwards I recognized how the mother, let`s call her Beate, looked at me. I really got terrified to sit in the cab only with her.

 When we arrived and everything was dark, she checked the address once more and noted that she can´t read anymore, I read the address and as I assumed we were at the wrong place. (Destination: 4km)

  

Amy started crying because she had to find her cousin. Until today I don’t know why.  – Remember, we were sitting in a cab with this little clock which is showing the time in Euros – However, we drove to the other address. (Destination: 10 km)

After our arrival at the right place, Amy bounced out of the cab. Beate didn’t even make a move and I knew that my fear was valid. So I sent her out to get her daughter back. She came back without her daughter. Obviously it was my turn to find Amy. After a small discussion with a guy, I convinced him and Amy to go home. Back in the cab, we finally drove home. On the way home Amy and Beate started to fight. They insulted each other like occupants in a maximum security prison and when we arrived at their place both of them jumped out of the cab and one ran left and the other one ran right. I didn´t get any cent like it´s the typical way when you a share cab.

 End of the story: 43 € for an 8 km distance

Advice: Don´t share a cab with strangers. Except you have enough money or you can run faster than the driver.

Have a great weekend